my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
