I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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