Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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