hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
