I'm sorry my penis didn't work
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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