I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
In America we eat man semen.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
