i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
