the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
