i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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