Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
