I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
