So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Someone shattered a urinal.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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