I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
