allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
