went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My vagina is officially offended.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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