I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
