The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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