My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Found your dick twin last night
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
