Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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