I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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