yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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