Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
