Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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