I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
