Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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