my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
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