I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
