he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
