I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
