If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
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