But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
