my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
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