3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
