Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
