connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
