It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
