The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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