My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
