My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
mondays should just be called national damage control day
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
