you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
