its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize