Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
