she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just found puke in my bra..
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
