I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
