Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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