Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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