I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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