Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
