Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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