I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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