Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
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