if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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