Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
So. Much. Porn.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
