If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize