rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
