Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
