Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
